That awkward moment when reality slaps you in the face. No, not even slaps you in the face...walks up, spits on you, humiliates you, and then doesn’t even offer up a curb stomp to put you out of your misery. That about explains last night.
Remember that mistake, er, I mean boy. The one that didn’t call. The hypothetical. The one that acted like we had never met, couldn’t even offer up a courtesy “Hey, thanks for last night” text? Yeah, him. Well, I saw him last night after a series of unfortunate events. A friend of a friend, well, a friend with benefits of a friend decided that the group I was with should switch bars. Okay, I’m down with that, the promise of $1 bottles was too alluring.
Well, here’s the plot twist my friends. Not only were the bottles $3, but the crowd left something to be desired, and since this is the way my life works, of course I ran into someone I didn’t want to see. I knew it was his usual Wednesday night haunt, he had told me before he fell off the face of the Earth, but of course I didn’t remember until I was already in the lion’s den. I was Mufasa, he was Scar, and I got trampled by mixed emotions and awkward feelings.
He walked past and I know he noticed me. But he didn’t acknowledge me. You don’t acknowledge dirty little secrets. And then I went to sit down with my friends, I mentioned his presence, and as good friends do they offered to accidentally bump into him, inadvertently spill a drink, or if I wanted, tell him off. But I called them off because I shouldn’t care...right? You don’t care about mistakes. You don’t care about dirty little secrets.
So I stood there with them, facing him, and watched him as he turned around several times to look at me. But then like the coward he is, he would turn around quickly when I met his gaze. Like a child. You know, the kind that stare at you at a restaurant like it’s some kind of game, thinking that if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. But hey douchebag, I can see you. Just because you turn your back doesn’t mean I’m not there. Just because you refuse to acknowledge my presence doesn’t mean you didn’t play me like a fiddle and then toss me out.
It was at that moment I realized all the lies he told me. All the promises he made were bullshit. All the things he said to make me feel bad for him were just rehearsed lines...just lies to get the ending he wanted. Lies I didn’t think someone would tell. But I believed him like a naive 15 year old. I thought I would know better at 24...at least I know now. Some lessons you learn late but you always learn them. Funny how life works out like that.
I could see him nudge his friends, what he told them I don’t know. Maybe I was the idiot who believed what he said. Maybe he was bragging. Maybe they noticed that he kept looking at me and inquired. And although I know it isn’t so, maybe he was thinking to himself that he fucked up...though he would never say it to his friends. Remember, you don't acknowledge dirty little secrets.
But that little nudge to his friends, that was enough humiliation for me. Whatever he was saying, all I know is what I was thinking. But I stood there in my tank top and skirt, talking to my friends, and tried to ignore the awkwardness that was building. The humiliating that was stifling. So I bought another beer and swore to never make that mistake again.
And to you, guy that likes to hang out at that bar on Wednesday nights, that couldn’t build up the courage to look in my eyes, I hope you averted your gaze because you realize that what you did is beyond apologies. And if it was because you don’t respect me, no worries, I suppose the feeing is mutual. I don't respect dirty little secrets.
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