Sometimes you make mistakes. Like dating a sociopath. Really, I should have known with the Mitt Romney laugh...
I'm not a stupid girl, though I do the occasional stupid thing. Like date a sociopath. And what is perhaps most bothersome to me is that I knew. Perhaps I had an estrogen rush, because instead of listening to all things logical and rational, I proceeded with reckless abandon.
I was his girlfriend after the third date.
At that time, it was great. He said everything I wanted to hear. That I was pretty, and smart, and that he had told his dad about me. He casually referenced me as his girlfriend, apologized if it was 'too much too soon', and then it was official. I was his girlfriend. He was my boyfriend. We'd march off into the sunset...also, he was a sociopath. But no worries, I wouldn't be able to tell, he was really good at faking it...
You see, the thing about a sociopath is that they don't have emotions. They don't feel remorse. Their social interactions are all learned. They know the right thing to say because they've studied people and their reactions. They're unencumbered by pesky feelings so they lie with ease. What they want you to believe, you'll believe. They're door to door salesman except their product is themselves.
He was charming. Attractive. Successful. He took me out to dinner. He was kind to my friends. He laughed at the same things. And most importantly, he wanted to be with me.
I felt like I had hit the jackpot. Ya know, minus the sociopath thing. But he was probably being dramatic anyway, right? I mean, it's not like I found rabbit skulls in the basement. And there weren't any missing animals in the neighborhood.
Life marched on. We spent our time together. We hung out with his friends and mine. He talked about future plans. I allowed myself to dream.
...and then one night he went to bed without me. No word, he simply got up and left. I assumed he was just doing his nightly routine, but when he didn't return, I realized that he had gone to bed. He had left me sitting on the couch, watching How I Met Your Mother, with no idea of how I should react. If you've ever been in a similar situation, you understand that feeling of not knowing how to proceed. Do you wake them up and ask if they're mad? Will that make them more mad? Do you leave and risk making things worse? Do you crawl into bed with them and act like it never happened?
So I took the middle ground. I slept on the couch in what I was wearing. I figured if he acted like nothing had happened in the morning, I'd claim I fell asleep watching T.V. If he wanted to talk, we could.
Of course when he woke up, he acted like nothing had happened.
Things were a bit off for a few days, but then they seemed to look brighter. We went to dinner with a friend of mine, he put his arm around me, called me 'hun', but as soon as we stepped out of the restaurant the same unease creeped up. We went to his house. He told me I was too much like a 'bro' to him because I drink beer, watch HIMYM, and play Sim City. He wanted to be my friend and I told him no. Because how could I be expected to do the same things we had always done, this time without feelings? I wasn't him, I couldn't just do that.
It wasn't until a few days later when I was with a friend in Chicago that I realized how honest he had been with me, although only about one thing. Being a sociopath.
I did some reading. He wanted control, which is why he moved the relationship so fast. He had no feelings, so when I was no longer useful to him, he discarded me with ease. Failure is not an option so he secured himself a high paying job that afforded him a brand new home with a brand new Camaro to match. When he gained a pound, he took up a strict diet. Invisalign for 8 months for already straight teeth. Perfectly tailored suits. Member of the country club, Optimist Club, board member for the arts, the zoning committee, and a mentor for Junior Achievement. All at 23.
You see, when you don't have emotions, you're bored. So you fill your schedule, you schmooze, and you become the most successful person you can be. You use the social graces you learned from television to charm the people around you. You control and manipulate because you feel no guilt, and really, how else would you spend your time? You feel superior, more intelligent, more able, so you may as well toy with people as you make your way to the top. People are simply pawns to be used to increase your own value, to fill your own needs...sexual and business.
I assume he'll get married someday. It's hard to be taken seriously in the business world without a trophy wife, so he'll find someone that fits the boiler plate image he needs for further success. She'll be tall, and beautiful, and miserable. He'll be richer.
But that's not the end of the story. During my reading about sociopaths, I came across an article saying that sociopaths can't take rejection. And well, without emotions and a moral compass...
...it's a story for another time.
