Dating in the QC

How old are those pictures?

2012-01-30T19:44:00.002-06:00

So much disappoint.

For once, I think I'm speechless. I just don't even know where to begin.

You know coyote ugly, where you'd chew your arm off just to get away from someone? (*ahem* drunken one night stand) Well, if I had a saw handy, I would have gone all 127 Hours and made a break for it. 2 1/2 hours of boredom, annoyance, and full on poker face.

Bad way to start a date? Tell your date you picked a coffee shop so you wouldn't have to shell out money on dinner. Classy.

Want to make it worse? Talk about the tattoo you're going to get that involves Sasquatch because that's what all your friends call you. Oh man, I'm so hot right now, I can barely keep my skirt on. :gross:

Not only was I bored out of my damn mind, but I felt like a piece of meat, an insulted piece of meat at that. Yes, I know I have a microdermal on my chest. No, asking if I'll pull down my top so you can see it better isn't appropriate. Yes, I know I have a stutter. No, mimicking it isn't okay. Yes, I know I should have left the date earlier. No, I didn't, because I would have felt bad. Stupid guilt, I need to learn how to tame that.

When you ask if what I'm wearing is typical for me (what's that supposed to mean anyway?) and I respond yes (because I'm attempting to be more fashionable in my daily life), responding sarcastically that you're so happy I made an effort is just downright rude. I'm wearing a tank top, cute jacket, skirt, and heels...what the fuck more do you want?

When you keep poking my hand, trying to get me to say something 'non p-c' and I pull my hand away, read the sign. It means stop touching me, not reach further across the table.

When we leave and you tell me you want to see me again, and I just stare at you, that doesn't mean to make a stalking joke about how you'll track me down. In fact, that's probably the last thing you should do. Good things my apartment has double locked doors.

I'm a patient person. I cut people lots of slack. Hell, even the hipster got a second date. This guy? I'll be screening his calls.

Man Repeller

2012-01-29T14:04:00.001-06:00

http://www.manrepeller.com/

It's a fashion blog. It appeals to my soul. Seriously though, my friends have always called my style of dress...quirky. That's their nice way of saying it, but I love pairing something nonsensical with an otherwise really stylist outfit. I usually keep it to only one 'quirky' piece, but I've seen the light.

Man, that's the end of this blog. No one is ever asking me out again.

The Dating Questionnaire

2012-01-29T12:45:00.003-06:00

"Thank you for your attendance tonight. To further improve the "Elle Dating Experience" we are asking for your cooperation in a short survey. Your honesty is important to us so please be candid in your answers. You may use the back of this sheet for any additional comments."

It's what the professionals do, right? Have a product that isn't selling as much as you expected? Market research. Surveys, questionnaires, get out in the field and ask questions. If I'm to be a viable product, then I need to know what the consumer wants.

Please rate your date experience on a scale from 1 to 5, 1 being the lowest and 5 being the highest.

I would say that most of my dates go well, or at least I leave most of them without wanting to seriously harm myself. For someone as sarcastic and cynical as I can be, I count that as an accomplishment.

Will you be pursuing a second date?

Only one guy I've gone on dates with hasn't requested a second date, and he's from an hour away. Date wasn't bad, but there was no connection. I didn't expect a call back.

Were you hugged upon meeting?

This is where we get serious. I actually did ask several questions to the last guy I dated; where did I go wrong? He offered up some important information, that I seem closed off, that I didn't seem as interested in him as I should have been. I didn't hug him when I greeted him for dates...

Hmmm.

Did you find Elle's language offensive? In what matter?

I'm not a lady. If you want P.C., look elsewhere. I probably curse more than you, and I've probably seen more tits than you...online and in person.

Did you find Elle attractive?

Actually, I don't want to know the answer to that question. I've already had enough hits to my self esteem recently.

Would you recommend Elle to a friend?

Okay, that just sounds creepy. Lets modify a bit.

Would you introduce Elle to your friends?

Now that's the answer I want. Do you think I'm cool enough, social enough, fun enough, whatever enough to hang with you and your buddies? Are you proud of me? Do you want to show me off? Or are you living in fear that your friends are going to throw a 'dating intervention' and point out that you're a junkie, just looking for a high, and that you're substituting Hawkeye for Grey Goose and it's gone too far.

Do you see a long term?

This is going to be a simple "check yes or no" because I don't want to read another "I think you're awesome, I think you're great, but..." comment.

"Thank you for your participation in this survey. Your input and comments are greatly appreciated. We look forward to future dates."

Lets be friends

2012-01-29T10:35:00.003-06:00

What a crock of shit.

Yep, it's one of those blog posts. It's too early to have a beer, and I've decided to make a horrible life choice tonight, but I'll report back on that tomorrow. I'm guessing it's going to be a great story, and if it's not, then I have no clue why I'm going...

Sacrifice ladies and gentleman, I'm sacrificing my sanity for this blog. And for a free meal. Goodness, I'm pathetic.

Anyway, back to my point. Friends after dating, pretty sure it's a total crock of shit. Not because of lack of good intentions or what have you, but because life happens. My theory, the people you've dated are secondary friends...we're the people you contact when your friends bailed and you're going through text messages hoping there's at least one poor soul that doesn't have plans on a Saturday night.

How does this work?

Well, if you're me, you've got these guy friends that probably do genuinely want to be your friend. They stay in contact, they text, post on your FB, wish you a happy holiday when Thanksgiving rolls around. (and a personalized text, not one of those bullshit mass texts that 'show you care') But how about hanging out? You know, that things friends do, or so I hear...

Nope. Nada.

You see, this is where the secondary friend thing comes into play. For me, these are guys I've recently dated, who stopped dating me to pursue other relationships. Knowing how these guys date, it's safe to say that they're probably seeing these new girls at least 2 times a week, probably 3. These are also guys that were recently single, so they probably spent ample with their friends before these girls came into play...we'll call those friends 'primary friends'. For the sake of not burning bridges and letting friendships die, lets say they attempt to spend time with their friends 2 times a week. Lets do some simple math, shall we? 3 nights with the girl, 2 nights with their buddies, 7 days in a week...that leaves 2 days of 'alone' time. Maybe. That seems about right, even for social people they need a few days to themselves. But then lets factor in days where errands need to be done, days to see family, maybe a long work day that means you're not leaving your homestead at all...

Well, it's easy to see. Between girls and primary friends, the secondary friend is...forgotten. I mean, they're a friend but not a 'friend friend', someone you make time to see. They're convenient. Small doses of social activity, to be taken when needed.

Lets complicate things a bit. What if the new girl is the typical insecure, jealous type. You know what I'm talking about, the girl that doesn't want you talking to any other girls, let alone hanging out with them. Lets complicate this even further. What if you dated that secondary friend for a month or two, that secondary friend you actually made time to see? "Hey hun, I can't hang out on Wednesday, I made other plans with a friend." "Oh, with who?" "Elle." "Oh, how did you meet her?" "Well, we dated for a while..." BAM! Might as well hang your testicles up because there is nowhere you're leaving the house again without a leash.

Now I'm not saying that's what is happening here...at all. I trust these guys judgment, I doubt they'd date someone like that, but lets not deny that this has happened to guys in the past. We all know at least one pussy whipped guy, he's the one at home on Saturday night, watching Martha Stewart, as his girl bitches about that nasty harlot Britney. (Who does she think she is anyway?) His bros are texting, but he doesn't know, his girlfriend deleted those texts. Whoever said sharing is caring was obviously mistaken.

Point is, I'm a secondary friend. Important enough to get the occasional text, but I'm not the person that's going to get invited to hang out unless there's a catastrophic failure someone along the friend line.

Going down through the texts, desperate to get out...

"Oh yeah, Elle, she's probably free tonight. I mean, it's not like she's out with a guy or something..."

Should I be flattered?

2012-01-24T22:28:00.003-06:00

Or thoroughly creeped out? I'm leaning towards creeped out.

I received a message today from an MUA that I've worked with in the past. Sweet girl, real doll, and she was writing to let me know that she was excited that I was going to be meeting her friend...we'll call him 'M'. Well, I'm a P.I.M.P. so I start going through my mental catalog of guys trying to recall "M". Nope, definitely drawing a blank.

In an attempt to not come off like the playa I am, I ask her what "M" she's referring to. It's a generic name, I can get away with that, or at least I hope I can. She responds with a last name, and now I'm really drawing a blank. I mean, I'm awful with names, I really am, but this is getting absurd. I obviously don't know him in person, so he has to be from one of the dating sites I'm on...

Now I've got to get a little sheisty. Not full on sheist, but I need to find out more about this guy so I know where to look. I don't exactly feel like scouring through my messages trying to put a face to a profile picture, plus, I'm at dinner. But for the sake of my safety and sanity, I want to find out who the hell has tracked me down on FB and has messaged one of my friends. I mean, he's obviously talking about me, which is strange. You saw my profile on the internet. Are you also running a blog? Do you have more followers than me?

So I ask, "How did I come up?" and she confirms my suspicions. Mr. Creeper was on my FB page, which thankfully is mostly private. Turns out, he had searched me, and then recognized my friend as someone he used to go to school with. He friend requests her and then asks about me. Anyone else getting the creeper vibe yet?

I mean shit dude, I know I'm awesome, but you felt the need to FB stalk me and then ask a friend about what I'm like as a person? Did you think it wouldn't get back to me? Did you think it would be a funny story on a first date? What about when you accidentally mention knowing that I love Fight Club, you don't think I'm going to catch on and get a little concerned?

Okay, you know what, if we set up a date and you decided to friend request me on FB, no biggie. (although I usually leave that til after the first date, at least. My Facebook is a scary place of perverted comments and internet memes) Or you know, even before the first date, but you should probably know my first name before you start stalking me. Or wait for a response. Something. You know, a green light. A "hey, you're not a creeper, we can be friends" type of communicae.

From what my said friend, he had messaged her to ask about me, saying that he was going to be meeting me soon. Ah, our first clue. He believes he's going to be meeting me, and that leads me directly to Plenty of Fish which has this handy dandy feature called "Meet Me". It shows you a picture of the person, their name and age, and it asks if you'd like to meet them. For sane people, it's a quick way to browse locals, and if you think they're cool and cute, you can click "yes" and that lets them know that you're interested. For Mr. Creeper, it was literal. He thought we were going to meet up, just like that. So he stalked me, because that's logical...right?

Well, unfortunately for me, my friend gave him a raving review. That I'm fun, and funny, and optimistic (I almost spit out my beer at that point) and that I was overall a great girl. Which prompted a message from him, where he decided to lie, or at least I assume it's a lie since my friend has no clue I'm on dating sites, and has no reason to be less than honest. He tells me he was showing my picture to his friends (still creepy) and that his friend A (my friend) said she knew me so he asked what I was like. First off, even if you're not lying, why the heck are you showing my picture to people? Secondly, you're lying. Why are you lying?

Perhaps I'm wrong here, but wouldn't you be a little creeped out if some guy said he was showing your picture to friends. Maybe I'm jaded with this whole internet dating thing, but I wouldn't be showing off pictures without even meeting a person or at least conversing with them a bit. It's okay to get excited about dates, sometimes you just click with someone online and you can't wait to meet them because your expectations are high, but to not even talk to someone and be showing them off? It's a bit...worrisome. And socially awkward. And trust me, I'm the queen of socially awkward, and even I'm not that bad.

So this guy stalks my FB, writes to my friend, and then writes to me to tell me how excited he is to meet me, and to text him, and to keep him in touch, and that Oh. Em. Gee. I am so awesome.

Should I be flattered? Because I'm not.

I'm going to go double check my doors are locked.

Can I get paid for that?

2012-01-24T11:15:00.006-06:00

Surprisingly enough, he doesn't want kids.

P.B.R.

2012-01-23T20:11:00.004-06:00

Poetry. Beer. Rescue me? Okay, yeah, that last one is two words, but whatever...it's been a rough week.

:sigh:

Oh goodness readers, where to start, where to start...

Okay, the beginning, that seems like a great place. I went on a date with a hispter. (In related news: latfh.com) Real life, honest to goodness hipster. He has 'vinyls', makes electronic music, wears witty t-shirts with plaid on top, oh...and corduroys. Lets not forget the glasses either.

I...uh...it was painful. Lets put it like that.

Oh, but ladies and gentleman (that don't read this blog), it gets worse. There was spoken word last night, and if you've never heard of it, be thankful. Because spoken word in the Quad Cities isn't some amazing thing, in fact, it's 3 people that rotate being on stage, each trying to out exstentialize the other. You're a Buddhist? Well, I'm a Buddhist revolutionary! You like Marx? I named my first born Karl!

Goodness help me. Religion is the opiate of the people? How about you just hand me some of that opium and we'll call it a day.

It didn't help that Zach Galifinaikis was there and staring at me. Okay, not actually Zach, or at least I hope not because his spoken word left something to be desired. Anyway, that's not the point. I made eye contact with him when he first walked in, and probably maintained that eye contact for a second too long as I pondered whether or not I should approach him for an autograph. I set the precedent, because for the rest of the night, all he did was stare at me...and not like an "Okay, he's looking this way" kind of stare but an "I'm afraid to go home alone" kind of stare. In fact, I'm mildly afraid of looking behind me at this very moment in fear that Mr. Galifinaikis is hovering outside my window, staring...planning...

But in true Elle fashion, I stared back. And kept staring until he broke eye contact, at least 3 minutes later. We played that game for an hour, as my ears bled, listening to the whines of the middle class pouring out their souls about the dehumanization of humans...or something.

I bet they drink Starbucks.

Here's the kicker, I'm texting my friend throughout this, only when my date goes to the bathroom, and I promptly put down my phone when he returns. My friend tells me that if my date gets on stage, I need to leave, just effin' bail because it's not going to get better.

Cathleen, with a 'C', asks if I'm going to be reading that night, or if my date will be. I say no, but my date emerges from the bathroom and takes the stage. I really should have grabbed my purse then, I would have at least got to my car before he got to the door, and then I could just rev the engine and forget about spoken word and the emptiness of my consumer soul.

But I stayed, because I'm an idiot.

"I like big butts, that's not a lie..." Oh no. Please no. And then raunch, straight up raunchy shit. Like, I had to stare at my phone to stop myself from blushing and laughing, because this date just got absurd. You want my what where? How shall I bounce it? Are you really doing this right now?

And he was so pleased with himself. Not only had he insulted those performing that night, but I was now in an awkward situation. Was he aware that I was hiding a massive ass beneath my loose fitting dress? Were there expectations? I needed another beer, not a PBR. Some liquid strength to leave.

Then there was food, and the 'secret' that wasn't so secret. He's a stoner. No way, you mean to tell me the hipster guy, that one that took me to a coffee shop with spoken word, is a stoner? No clue, none whatsoever, I was only expecting a hitter to fall out of his satchel at any moment.

Sometimes there simply isn't enough beer in the world. Nice guy, but talking about 'big butts' and what you'd like to do them on a first date is a bit much, and I'm not exactly P.C. Shit, I love me some Sir Mix-a-Lot but not that much.

Now excuse me, I'm going to go laugh at some hipsters while I sip on my not PBR.

My Wifi is Down

2012-01-20T12:27:00.002-06:00

And my laptop is broken. So I'm sitting at the public library playing on OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. I can feel people silently judging me, and the lady next to me keeps peering over at my computer. I wonder if she thinks the guy I'm chatting with is hot too...probably...

So, uh, what's with the stigma anyway?

Is it really so pathetic that I meet people online and then go on dates with them? I mean, I'm not really seeing too much of a downside here, you know, outside of the occasional dicpic and creepy guy that calls me a 'kike' when I don't respond to chat messages.

Maybe my friend was right. Maybe it's the whole "last resort" idea when it comes to online dating, that you're only finding people online because you're a total social failure in person, or you've exhausted all other avenues.

Well let me tell you, I may be a total social failure, but I haven't exhausted all my other avenues. I haven't gone on one single blind date! And dammit, my social failure'ness is quirky and cute.

The Trifecta of No Second Date

2012-01-17T12:28:00.003-06:00

I'm pretty easy going about second dates...as long as you're not a total douche on the first date, and you ask for a second, I'm going to say yes. First dates can be awkward, you're still censoring yourself a bit, so a second date is usually a good choice.

However, there is a trifecta of awful. A way of guaranteeing no second date.

Worst thing you can wear on a date: Well, it's not so much what you wear, it's your complete lack of caring. What, did you forget to change out of your jersey after grabbing wings and beer with your bros? And no, cologne is not a substitute for showering...now you smell like old man with a pungent undertone of grease. And if I can see fuzz growing on your teeth, holy shitballs, please back away.

Worst thing you can do: Be late. Or if you're going to be late, send me a text and let me know, cause my 100 lb self does not enjoy standing outside waiting for you, wondering if you're going to show. As much as I love standing outside a restaurant, or in the lobby looking like 'that chick', I'd rather avoid it. There's only so much time you can look busy on your phone before people start catching on.

Worst thing you can say: This is a toughie. If all you can do is talk about yourself, and how awesome you are, I might start stabbing kittens. It's really cool that you go to the gym, I'm glad you're fit. Oh, and you donate to the local orphanage, that's cool, but I'm not sure why you're telling me this after I just told you about my favorite movies. You'll be making 3 figures once you graduate, that's nice, but I can pay my own bills without your help. I'm not looking to be rescued, you don't need to lay out your resume in front of me, and your abs are just making me jealous. :poke: I need to go to hot yoga more often.

Are any of these on their own going to put you in 'second date no man's land'...not necessarily. Maybe you're nervous so you're a Chatty Cathy about yourself. Maybe you were rushed after work, so you show up wearing whatever you've had on all day. And I get it, sometimes traffic sucks and you get stuck behind a train. But all 3? Yeah...no.

Got a question?

2012-01-17T10:06:00.002-06:00

Feel free to ask, and I'll answer publicly. It can be questions about me, questions about dates, or maybe you want advice and for some reason you trust me. Whatever it is, post your Q as a comment and I'll answer as soon as I can.

You can call me Miranda

2012-01-16T23:00:00.002-06:00

When I met my ex, almost 6 years ago, I had just written a Myspace note (old school) where I admitted that I'm Miranda...you know the one, from Sex and City.

I'm not Carrie. I'm not that cute, and I can't put outfits like that together. She's fun, she's sexy, she's the girl that walks into a room and guys pay attention. Okay, so she looks like a horse, but that's one horse I'd bang.

I'm not Samantha. I have no Smith Jerrod. (Yum!)

And I'm certainly not Charlotte. I don't really care about prestige, and I'm most definitely not that innocent.

So who does that make me? Miranda. The cynical redhead, with a great job, who focuses on her work, and doesn't realize a good thing when it bites her in the ass. Yep, I am most definitely Miranda.

I've always been about work and succeeding. Relationships were an afterthought, first things first, become someone. Miranda almost threw away her relationship with Steve because she was so caught up in herself. And Steve's a good guy...for the most part. But she would push him away, convince herself he wasn't worth it, and then go back to her law firm and act as if she was okay. Brady changed things, but what if she never had him?

I don't dislike Miranda, but if I want to be happy and find the one for me, then I need to stop pushing people away. What being Miranda got me was a 5 year long relationship of unhappiness because I was afraid to leave...because no one loves a Miranda.

One of the Boys

2012-01-16T16:19:00.002-06:00

"Teach me to ride like a man, chew tobacco like a man, and spit like a man..."

Okay, I don't do any of those things. Well, I would ride like a man...if I had a horse.

But I drink beer. And I curse. Oh, and I've probably seen more tits than most guys I know. I'm one of the boys. I mean, I don't exactly love sports, but I'll watch the occasional game and yell when I need to. And if you need help fixing the car, just let me know what to do and I'll do it. Think that girl is hot? I'm probably staring at her right alongside you, wondering if she'd be a good model.

I'm not jealous. I don't play games. I don't hold grudges.

Maybe I'm not female enough. And that's not me knocking my own gender, but lets admit it, that's the female stereotype. "Are you okay?" "I'm fine".

I don't fit into it. I'm not going to smack your arm if you're checking out some cutie across the street. I'm not going to be pissy when you go out with the boys for a night. I'm not going to accuse you of cheating every time some girl writes on your FB wall.

Am I too boy? Am I too "I don't give a shit as long as I know you're coming home to me"? Is that really a problem?

Am I easy to put into the friend zone? Because I'm sorry, I have enough friends, I'd like something more than that.

The Undateables

2012-01-16T15:59:00.009-06:00

I'm going to start a club. The Undateables. We'll call ourselves the Misfits or something, to sound cool, make ourselves feel good about ourselves...

Eventually, two people in the club will date, and everything will go downhill. They shouldn't have been here anyway! Undateable my ass. Infighting will start, someone will pillage, and the club house will be burnt to the ground in a jealous rage.

I guess I'll be the only one in the club. That's okay. It makes meetings easier and no one has to take minutes.

So what sparked this little trip? Well, let me tell you...

We all remember that guy that broke my heart , right? Mr. "You're great, you're awesome, but there's no spark. Wanna be friends?"

Turns out, he has a doppleganger. Mr. "You're great, you're awesome, I don't feel a connection. Wanna be friends?"

For the sake of being candid, had he not ended it, I probably would have. We've been going on dates for about a month, I think he's awesome, but I don't feel it either. I hesitated to break things off because I thought maybe I was still hung on Mr. No Spark and that I just needed time. I quite possibly would have fallen for Mr. No Connection if Mr. No Spark wasn't so fresh in my mind. It's impossible to say, but for his sake, I had to end it soon anyway. He just got there first.

But damn. To hear basically the exact same thing...oof!

He did say something poignant though. If I had acted more interested, and less closed off, then maybe he wouldn't have gone on dates with another girl that he did end up feeling a connection with. Basically, I could have maybe kept him around, he maybe could have been content, we maybe could have been content together. And my question is, have I done this before? Have I sabotaged potential happiness by being too closed off? Too 'meh', lets say?

Fact of the matter is, he found someone he instantly connected with, and isn't that what we're looking for? I didn't find that in him, and like he said, we would have had an expiration date so I'm not going to regret my actions because it probably wouldn't have worked anyway. We wouldn't have been happy...just content. Maybe. And I do, very genuinely, want him to find the right girl for him and be happy.

But I should think about my actions, because I don't want to sabotage a possible future relationship, especially if I do feel a spark.

Time for some introspection. What makes me one of the undateables?

Mr. Pissypants

2011-12-19T17:32:00.002-06:00

"I hope your not the one that took your profile picture. If that's the skills you have then you have a long way to go hun. I just don't like stuck up little kikes like yourself who don't have enough humanity to tell someone their not interested. Good say"

First off...spell check.

Secondly...don't call me hun to be condescending. It just makes you look like a douche.

Third...kike? Really?

I'm not Jewish, but the fact that this guy pulled out a racial slur to insult me is positively astounding. Attack my photography, that's cool. Say I'm stuck up, that's fine as well. But to call me a racial slur, and one that doesn't even apply to me...well, there's a reason this guy is single. Perhaps he doesn't realize that antisemitism isn't in fashion, but racial slurs are never okay, and definitely not a way to win my heart.

He can now not only suck my left nut, but my right one as well.

Was that the response you wanted?

2011-12-19T17:24:00.004-06:00

Some background:

I work from home, and tend to have a thousand and one tabs open when I'm online. As of recently, that's included both Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. Luckily for me, that means potential dates are able to see when I'm online, and it leads to some...butthurtness.

This guy has messaged me several times with a generic message. "I like your profile pic" or "you seem cool". You know, the shit you can type out in 10 seconds and send to every girl. Nothing about my profile, nothing to really show interest, and since I get quite a few messages a day, I ignored him.

And then Mr. Pissypants got pissy.

Turns out, he's insecure. My lack of response to his generic e-mails has caused mortal damage to his soul? Well, dude needs to toughen up.

Oh, he assumes I think I'm better than him. I don't. Well, I didn't. I also don't send messages like that when someone doesn't respond to me. So maybe I'll have to re-evaluate where I stand in this hierarchy.

And yes, I am that rude. Sorry guys, not everyone gets a message back, not if they send me something generic. If you actually take time to write something worth reading, even if I'm not interested, I'll respond to be nice. But generic bullshit message? Suck my left nut.

Before I sign off for the night...those abs don't match the face. I'm going to go ahead and place bets on the fact that they're not his.

When did 24 become old?

2011-12-19T11:08:00.003-06:00

My wrist is killing me. My ass too.

Wait. Does that sound as awful as I think it does?

Two dates, same guy, he seems spiffy. But my body hates me right now. 2 games of bowling, numerous games of darts, laser tag, rollerskating, and a major wipe out on the rink. My tailbone is still holding a grudge against me, and my wrist is begging for mercy. There's only so many 12 lb balls you can throw, and so many laps around a rink before your body gives up.

You know, I've gotta admit, it's been nice. Dinners are cool and all, and it's nice to chat over a beer at a chill brewery, but I haven't actually had legitimate fun on a date in a really long time. Zombie Pride was great, what a goofy way to meet someone, covered in blood...but outside of that, everything seems so adult. I'm not my mother, I don't want to go on the same type of dates she does.

So rollerskating? I was down. Seems kinda pointless, going around in circles for a while (Exhibit A: Nascar), but it was nice to be goofy, and laugh, and be surrounded by kids half my size and age. That never would have happened in my past relationship...ever. It would have been juvenile, and "that's not what adults do".

I don't want to grow up then.

Herpes

2011-12-19T10:55:00.003-06:00

Simplex glitter.

At the risk of making myself out to be the massive bitch that lives deep within my soul, I hate glitter. Almost as much as I do cheesy romantic notions like flowers on a first date. Dude, we've talked online for 5 days, and you seem nice which is why we're going on this date, but flowers? Really?

With glitter?

Oh, and did I mention the roses were dyed blue because I made the mistake of telling him that my favorite color is blue/green?

Awful. So awful. I smiled, thanked him profusely like my grandmother taught me to do, and put them on the table next to me and tried to ignore their overpowering presence. It's like waves of tension rushing over me as I'm trying desperately to make conversation with the witch doctor. I now need to live up to these flowers, but I don't think I can be that gaudy.

He was nice, but he was trying too hard to impress me. Talking about wealth, talking about his degree in witch doctor'y, his aspirations to help impoverished children. I know, I know, I should be beside myself right now, guy with money, degree, and he wants to help the needy? That's the holy grail, right?

:sigh:

Oh, he probably didn't help himself when he invited me back to the hot tub, and when I told him I don't even own a swimsuit (not a lie), he said that if things went well he could buy me one.

I mean, I do love shopping, but I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. Especially if they think herpes ridden blue roses are romantic.

P.S. In the words of my wise friend "M", those roses are only appropriate for Elton John's funeral. I'm convinced she's correct.

Still looking for love,
Elle

I'm the prettiest country!

2011-12-17T21:31:00.002-06:00

"I've seen 38 Countries.....To be Honest, I haven't seen a beauty like you !
You look awsome !
your eyes are as deep as the ocean !"

Am I a Glutton for Punishment?

2011-12-17T17:39:00.004-06:00

It's been a week full of dates, but I'll fill you in on those later...

I just got back from a baby shower, and it's prompted a question. Why do women torture each other?

Men, they go out and get drunk as one last hoorah. But women? We force each other to buy gifts, and not cool gifts like alcohol that we can share. No, gifts like onesies for the new baby, or an expensive crystal vase for the home. Need a new blender? I've got that covered!

Maybe it's just been a bad day, but being surrounded by pregnant, engaged women has me sitting here, sipping on a beer, thinking about it all. Mind you, I'm thankful that I can be sipping on a beer right now, but what a horrible way to realize you're alone...surrounded by blue balloons and baby bottles filled with candy.

I enjoy my freedom, I enjoy going on dates...or at least I thought I did. You know, until everyone around me kept asking me about the boyfriend I don't have, asking how my imaginary children are. I was the oldest one there, at least of my peers, and the one that is utterly...alone.

Shit. I'm going to need more beer.

The Queen of Rebounds

2011-12-15T23:59:00.002-06:00

Lets be serious for a second. I know, I know...how incredibly lame.

I came to a realization today. I hung out with the guy that I was heartbroken about, and realized something. He's Mr. Perfect...job, car, house, polite, very attractive, funny, likes the same things I do.

When he decided there was no 'spark', I was hurt, and then tonight when we hung out I realized something that I needed to.

He's Mr. Perfect...he's not Mr. Perfect for me.

Hi...

2011-12-12T14:37:00.001-06:00

Dear males on dating sites, (I initially typed that mating sites...Freudian? I’d bet yes.)

Why do you insist on writing me a message, subject ‘Hi’, with the body “hi”. Why? Please, do explain to me why you’re incapable of reading my profile, and perhaps commenting on my profession, or perhaps my very witty talk about political debates. Do you know how long it took me to come up with something clever? Minutes. Precious minutes.

This whole “hi” things begs a question. How do you expect me to reply? With a “hi”? Where does it go from there? “How are you doing?” I’m bored.

Not to mention, you’re expecting me to do the work. You say “hi”, I check out your profile, and I formulate a bunch of questions and remark on something you said, which is inevitably some woman hating bull about triflin’ hos, and only ‘real ladies’ should message you. Excuse my cynicism, but seeing as I have a vagina, I’m a tad bit offended. But lets get back to my point. You expect me to do the work, because inevitably if I sent you back a message that said “hi” you’d be complaining. How about you do some work since you messaged me first?

Okay, you know what, new game. Next person that writes to me with a simple “hi” will be getting a “hi” back in exchange. Lets see where this goes.

That Awkward Moment When You Realize...

2011-12-12T13:49:00.002-06:00

......that the guy who messaged you on OkCupid, and you ignored because ‘ yeah, no...’ is now the guy you’re flirting with on Plenty of Fish.

Shit.

No wonder he chose a different picture for his profile on POF. That guy I’m attracted to..the other one? Not so much. But his personality is good, so I’ll give him a chance, but now I’m having doubts. I mean, there’s a reason I ignored him on OkCupid, right? Maybe?

The bar has been set too high.

Stupid perfect boy that didn't work out. Now no one is as good.

Your Desperation is Showing

2011-12-12T13:49:00.001-06:00

Plenty of Fish. Sure. If you’re into guppies.

I’m not going to knock free dating sites. That wouldn’t be fair of me, because I’ve met some genuinely nice people on them, but goodness do you have to wade through a lot of bullshit.

Here’s a new one for me. I got sent a dicpic. Straight up. (excuse the pun) It’s really no fun to click on to a message, and then hello! Are you happy to see me? That was not the right way to wake up. I promptly deleted and then blocked the user, because there’s only so many salutes you can see in one day before you decide that dating simply isn’t for you.

The other charmer today? The guy that decided I was prissy because I refused a chat invitation from him. Quite possibly my least favorite thing about Plenty of Fish, the chat function. You think I’m cool? Awesome, send me a message. When the guy complained to me, in a message (so obviously he’s capable), I let him know that since I work from home I’m typically online, but aren’t always able to chat. That messaging is much easier for me because it allows me to take my time with the message and do so when I’m not bogged down with photos.

I’m prissy now, because I’ll talk on my own time. Well...yeah...

Deleted.

On a positive note, I’ve now been told I look like Zooey Deschanel 9 to the nth degree times. I mean, I don’t look like her whatsoever, outside of my oversized blue eyes, but hey...I’m not one to turn down a compliment.

Met a guy

2011-12-12T13:46:00.000-06:00

Went on dates with guy. Fell for guy. Hard.

Single again.

"No spark".

That's okay, that means this blog is a go. Bring on the dates!

Well, I could use a financier...

2011-12-12T13:34:00.000-06:00

"would you consider being a suga baby, some one who will get spoiled and pampered, shopping at the mall, maybe an allowance, there is no real set amount, as long as we would function in this arrangement, the possibilities are endless, and amazing, totally spontaneous."

Hell yes I want to shop at the mall and get an allowance!

Hold on, function in this arrangement...what does that mean?...

Oh wait, I have to blow you on the weekends? I'm gonna have to pass.

A Social Experiment

2011-12-12T13:26:00.001-06:00

From the beginning...

I've joined two sites. One on the serious side, eHarmony, and one that may possibly infect me with herpes for simply visiting, OkCupid.

First impressions:

eHarmony seems to be laid out well, and the guided communication is pretty spiffy for people like me who absolutely fail at communication. You know the type. "Do you have any pets?" "Yeah, I have a cat". "Oh, cool, I like cats". Awkward pause. Nothing is being said. Shit, where do I go from here? So the way E is set up is pretty spiffy...if I'm stuck about what to say, eHarmony has some ideas for me. I mean, it's kind of cheating, but that's okay...right? Plus, once the conversation gets started, I can take it from there as long as the person I'm talking to has similar interests.

Now on to OkCupid.

Okay, maybe I won't get herpes from simply going to the site, but viral gonorrhea is a distinct possibility. And sure, a week of antibiotics and I'll be clear, but the embarrassment will be too much to bear. What will my e-physician say?

OkCupid is a free for all. There's some decent guys, they're just hidden...you know, behind all the awful. I should play nicely. I don't know if most of the guys are awful, I'd just place a bet. A hefty bet. I may put my photo equipment on the line kind of bet.

But hey, I've got hope. I'm single, hope is what I need, so I'm stocking up and seeing where this takes me.

Hilarious messages on the way.

Dating in the Quad Cities: A Beginning

2011-10-11T20:49:00.000-05:00

Dating is an adventure. Not always a fun one, but an adventure to be sure.

I'm here to be honest. To state the awesome and the awful. I have no news to report right now, but join me as I explore the word of online dating, the world of bars and clubs, and the world of being a recently single girl in an average sized town smack dab in the middle of nowhere.